A year of dancing with the devil
Sometimes I think all of this is a joke. Just a role I'm playing or a dream I'm stuck in. And one day I'll wake up, still being 19 years old with all the time in the world ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I won't ever get the life I wanted or that 23 will be too late to properly return to school.I'm not judging other people either, who choose the life of a stoner or partyprincess or who simply love their couch too much to ever wanna get up and out in the real world. It's a scary world, probably not meant for half of the people in it. But I had a plan. Not just a plan, I had a vision. Psychology degree, travelling and finding the love of my life. I pictured him to be someone who fulfilled my daddy issues, without taking control of my life. Someone incredibly intelligent, unusual, weird, caring and a little nerdy. Instead I found depression, violence and drugs. And even after I have dropped the first two, I seem to have a problem dropping the lifestyle we created for ourselves.
I relapsed last weekend. I did MDMA again after the longest break I've had in a whole year. I can't put into words how frustrated, tired and sick I am of myself and my lack of judgement. I had came such a long way and I fucking refuse to believe it was all for nothing. It can't be. So I've decided to do everything in my power to leave this lifestyle behind, once and for all. I will write about my problems, rather than run from them and I will start seeing a therapist once a week, if my mom only agrees to pay for even half of the sessions. I would love to start horsebackridning again but I know that's too much to ask. As Eric Cartman says, everything fun costs at least 8 dollars. Add a zero and you're closer to what's true for when you are in your twenties. That's way over the weekly budget of a simple saleswoman/babysitter/promoter/student-without-allowance.
I'll try to be mindful, even though I have a hard time staying optimistic. It feels way too bold and scary inconvenient for the place I'm in right now. Actually, it's rather shameful. There probably aren't many things more pathetic than a passive loser with big visions. You gotta work to deserve to dream big. If you treat yourself like you're not worthy of living, then you are only being unfair setting goals too high for yourself to reach. You will end up dissapointing yourself over and over again, and every time your ego will suffer a tiny bit more than the time before, until you feel like you don't know yourself anymore. You gotta lower your expectations, or prepare to work harder than ever before. Because self -realization is no easy business. And if you are very far from your dreams to begin with, finding your path assuredly will be a process of blood, sweat and tears.
