mentalcat

So I haven't written here in a while. Did some nasty speed 2 weeks ago and I felt too bad to even write about it. I don't know, am I being too hard on myself? After all, I've been a lot better lately. I have a whole new worldview. I just need a new life too. New friends, new city and new aspirations. I want to take out my eyelash extentions, get my skin in shape so I don't need to use makeup every day and I want to start reading. Like, a lot. I'm not thriving or growing with this superficial and hedonistic lifestyle. I need to be born again.

 

I feel horrible for so many reasons. I'm bad at my work, I'm a bad friend because I'm not my usual funny self (I guess I am a bit depressed after all) and I'm an even worse girlfriend. I'm just so lost when it comes to everything right now, and when I'm lost I usually have two ways of dealing with it. Either I throw all the responsibility on my partner and expect him to deal with all the hard stuff, while I helplessly cuddle up in his arms like a baby. Or - I distance myself both physically and mentally in my attempt to grow up. This usually leads to me acting a bit like a teenager, being clingy and difficult, yet easily annoyed and unavailible for love. I know these patterns so well. After all, I am my oldest friend and enemy.

 

I wish:

 

*That my mom would let me speak to a therapist

*That i finally get my physical health fixed

*That I don't lose my credit (please, please, please don't let me lose my credit!)

*That I get in

*That I can be brave enough to get through this