mentalcat

For some reason I can't stop listening to the last song that E sent me. I guess it really describes how he feels about me as a person. Does it descirbe how I feel about myself? Maybe a little. The addiction to love, the fear of everything that isn't love and the bittersweet selfhatred from keeping up relationship after relationship that I knew from the beginning that wasn't ever gonna last. Just to be close to someone for a little while. To feel like life mattered.

 

He is wrong in so many things though. He's missing the most fundamental parts of everything. I don't go around stepping on people's hearts like they're sand under my shoes. I fall in love. Fast and hard. And I'm too naive and too hopeful to stop and question myself. I want it to work out so badly that I ignore all the signs that tell me differently, until I really really have to. Which was what happened with us. It wasn't because of R or any other people involved. They just happened to be there. Breaking up with someone is a long process for me, it doesn't happen over a night, quite the opposite. I felt it a long time before I consciously thought it. We weren't right for each other. He treated me badly. So badly. I was in pieces every time we had a fight over something completely trivial. It was just too hard on my heart to keep going.

 

I bet he won't ever know how much it hurt for me to move on. How much I still miss him sometimes. I wonder if he ever really loved me. Or if he was too scared to lose control to be able to do so. I hope he loves his new girl. I hope she doesn't get slapped, spit on or called names. I hope he knows better than to break up with her over every little thing, in his fear to lose. I hope he's happy now. I want him to be happy.