mentalcat

So. We ended up going bananas again on monday night. Epic time with the best people. I've got a tattoo now. And we made codein out of my Panacod tabs and drank it with cocktails. Tacky as fuck, I know, but we had fuuuuuuun. I've missed fun! I love my crazy, fucked-up partners in crime.

I can't do this anymore. Something has to happen. Anything. I'm so bored I could die and so sad I could cry my eyeballs out. I hate my job because I hate people. I hate my friends. I'm starting to hate myself. My selfdestructive thoughts, my pointless speech and my empty promises. I can't stand one more second of this lie I live in. Take me the fuck away.

We met tonight in my dream, at a place from my childhood. You walked towards me up the road and I stopped you. Nothing had changed, but everything had. You told me you were happy now, that you moved on and that I should too, but I couldn't decide weather you really meant it or if it was just your ego speaking, always so scared of showing your sensitive, wonderfully vulnerable true self. Then I rememberd it's been a year already. You probably meant it. 

 

I feel like I can't move on with my life. Something is pulling me back. Hard. And I have a difficult time figuring out weather it's just lack of motivation caused by too many years off the school bench and an overall hedonistic, destructive lifestyle or if it's really my heart trying to tell me something. 

 

I would do anything to go back in time just for a day or two. To feel all those feelings I felt one year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Who was that girl, so curious of the world, so filled with hope and love? How did she die? Where did I go?

Hey. Hello. I seem to be able to write and think straight again. I've, once again, lost 11 days of my life to the bed. I hade tonsillectomy the 8th of March. Unpleasent experience, even though so far the pain has been toleretable. Maybe I just like pain? On day 4 or 5 I had to be hospitalized again for nausea. Couldn't handle the codein and the tramadol. How is it people get hooked on these things? So far no bleeding,, et's hope I'm lucky for once. Because if there is one thing I can't handle, it's most definitely blood.

 

I just saw the the movie the made for Fifty shades of Grey. Kind of felt like I had to, same as with the book. Well, both sucked in my opinion, so no surprises there. The sex I had in high school was rougher than that.