mentalcat

Amazing. I feel like a completely different person than two weeks ago. I went to France with many expecations. Expectations that weren't great. Expectations to fail the psychology training in front of my dad, to disappoint my mom, to get confirmation for what I feared the most - confirmation that the drugs ruined me on more than just a psychological level. I was scared for my life and my brain and everything I hold dear, because without a functioning head there would be no more dreams, no future. I was sure that my thinking processes would be defective and broken, a shadow of the ones of the smart girl I carefully killed with hedonistic escaping and daydreams. I thought they would view me like one of those old aquaintances you hear shot heroine and is now living in a streetcorner. First shocked, then feel sorry for me. "What happened to her? I guess we don't know her anymore".

 

That didn't happen. In fact, the opposite did. I have no idea if my entrance exams went nearly well enough to actually get in, but they went pretty damn well. I studied with dad every day and I could see the pride in his eyes when I knew the answers. I could feel my heart jump over a beat from the joy of connecting pscychological dots in my head (LOL, I can't believe I just wrote that), The point is, I studied and I learned. And when I finally sat down and wrote the test today, I was holing my breath. Answering every question with shaking fingers, sure that the next one was gonna kill me. None of them did. I wrote the same entrance exam 3 years ago and I probably got two rights on the whole thing. HA! So much for being smarter when I was twenty.

 

There can be a future and there will be. It's all up to me. No evil God is holing me locked up in a cage.