mentalcat

Today I feel like an empty shell. I haven't been to work in over a week and I'm not sure that I ever wanna go back there. My mom is in town and she's coming over for dinner tomorrow, to meet my best friend and life partner for the first time. I'm scared to death, to say the least. I'm so paranoid that she's gonna see through my mask, that she's somehow gonna realize how fucked up my life has been since they moved away. As if. Maybe it's some kind of twisted wishful thinking, that I would finally be able to stop pretending, to tell her the truth. But I know there is no point, I'm a big girl now and I have to solve this puzzle on my own.

 

I took a pregnancy test today. Third one in a month. For some sick reason I constantly feel like I have a growing baby inside my womb. Maybe it's a part of myself that wants to be born again. To forgive and forget. To move on. I'm scared that if it's true that the soul changes bodies like we change old and torn clothes, toss the damaged ones and step into new ones, then my human experience could end before it really even started. I'll just have to hope that my soul still has faith in me. I know there are parts of my mind that hesitate.

 

I hate being so self-involved right now. I hate being so scared. Fear is stupid, everyone dies in the end.