mentalcat

I had a meltdown yesterday. Cried like a baby for hours and told R about my questionmarks about our future. It was the most horrible feeling in a long while. The look of shock and dissapointment in his eyes. The hurt anger. The pain. I had a flashback before my eyes about what losing him would be like. I never wanna feel that way ever again. I love him so much. My best friend and honeybun. Maybe you don't have to be so simillar. Maybe that's what makes it interesting. And maybe we don't have to talk about politics or what might happen when we die. There are lots of other things to talk about. All I know is, I couldn't bare losing my friend and boyfriend.

 

My lip is swollen. It hurts like hell and I look like a clown. Probably how God wants it to be.

 

 

So I haven't written here in a while. Did some nasty speed 2 weeks ago and I felt too bad to even write about it. I don't know, am I being too hard on myself? After all, I've been a lot better lately. I have a whole new worldview. I just need a new life too. New friends, new city and new aspirations. I want to take out my eyelash extentions, get my skin in shape so I don't need to use makeup every day and I want to start reading. Like, a lot. I'm not thriving or growing with this superficial and hedonistic lifestyle. I need to be born again.

 

I feel horrible for so many reasons. I'm bad at my work, I'm a bad friend because I'm not my usual funny self (I guess I am a bit depressed after all) and I'm an even worse girlfriend. I'm just so lost when it comes to everything right now, and when I'm lost I usually have two ways of dealing with it. Either I throw all the responsibility on my partner and expect him to deal with all the hard stuff, while I helplessly cuddle up in his arms like a baby. Or - I distance myself both physically and mentally in my attempt to grow up. This usually leads to me acting a bit like a teenager, being clingy and difficult, yet easily annoyed and unavailible for love. I know these patterns so well. After all, I am my oldest friend and enemy.

 

I wish:

 

*That my mom would let me speak to a therapist

*That i finally get my physical health fixed

*That I don't lose my credit (please, please, please don't let me lose my credit!)

*That I get in

*That I can be brave enough to get through this

 

For some reason I can't stop listening to the last song that E sent me. I guess it really describes how he feels about me as a person. Does it descirbe how I feel about myself? Maybe a little. The addiction to love, the fear of everything that isn't love and the bittersweet selfhatred from keeping up relationship after relationship that I knew from the beginning that wasn't ever gonna last. Just to be close to someone for a little while. To feel like life mattered.

 

He is wrong in so many things though. He's missing the most fundamental parts of everything. I don't go around stepping on people's hearts like they're sand under my shoes. I fall in love. Fast and hard. And I'm too naive and too hopeful to stop and question myself. I want it to work out so badly that I ignore all the signs that tell me differently, until I really really have to. Which was what happened with us. It wasn't because of R or any other people involved. They just happened to be there. Breaking up with someone is a long process for me, it doesn't happen over a night, quite the opposite. I felt it a long time before I consciously thought it. We weren't right for each other. He treated me badly. So badly. I was in pieces every time we had a fight over something completely trivial. It was just too hard on my heart to keep going.

 

I bet he won't ever know how much it hurt for me to move on. How much I still miss him sometimes. I wonder if he ever really loved me. Or if he was too scared to lose control to be able to do so. I hope he loves his new girl. I hope she doesn't get slapped, spit on or called names. I hope he knows better than to break up with her over every little thing, in his fear to lose. I hope he's happy now. I want him to be happy.

It's Saturday again and since my last MD fail, we call it nothingday. Because absolutely nothing happens in this city if you're not down to go out and bingedrink, take drugs and fuck up. It's quite sad to realize how all my friendships kind of revolve around partying. Once I'm not drunk or high, I suddenly don't have anything in common with them. This is bad because it makes it really hard to go out with the intention of not getting fucked up and actually sticking to it. I need a line, a couple of pills and at least 4 beers to feel like I'm bonding with the people I'm around. From a sober perspective, everyone just seems so alien. And who am I kidding? I love the illusion of fitting in, of feeling connected. I knew all the way that as soon as I quit Molly, it would only be me, my shattered thoughts and that oh so insistent social anxiety. Tempting? Not really.

I hate the morning alarm! I hate having to adjust my sleeping patterns to what's acceptable in society. I thought I wasn't fit for it, that I'd never be able to work normal hours (since I got my problems with insomnia like 5 years ago, I've always planned my days from 12 forward, so I never had to think about leaving bed before 10 AM). However, I proved myself wrong this year. Since I've gotten better with my health, I've also been able to sleep semi-normally and actually change my circadian rhythm to an 8AM -11PM one. Still, a 9-5 job  isn't something I do without difficulty. It sucks. Because I hate mornings and I love nighttime and taking away my nights is like robbing me on the best part of life. Such Bullshit, this normality.

Today I feel like an empty shell. I haven't been to work in over a week and I'm not sure that I ever wanna go back there. My mom is in town and she's coming over for dinner tomorrow, to meet my best friend and life partner for the first time. I'm scared to death, to say the least. I'm so paranoid that she's gonna see through my mask, that she's somehow gonna realize how fucked up my life has been since they moved away. As if. Maybe it's some kind of twisted wishful thinking, that I would finally be able to stop pretending, to tell her the truth. But I know there is no point, I'm a big girl now and I have to solve this puzzle on my own.

 

I took a pregnancy test today. Third one in a month. For some sick reason I constantly feel like I have a growing baby inside my womb. Maybe it's a part of myself that wants to be born again. To forgive and forget. To move on. I'm scared that if it's true that the soul changes bodies like we change old and torn clothes, toss the damaged ones and step into new ones, then my human experience could end before it really even started. I'll just have to hope that my soul still has faith in me. I know there are parts of my mind that hesitate.

 

I hate being so self-involved right now. I hate being so scared. Fear is stupid, everyone dies in the end.

There is a big difference between living and being alive. When you live, your days feel meaningful, your existence has a purpose. To stay alive, you only have to manage the basic minimum of eating, breathing and sleeping. You would think the latter would be easy, with actually living being a lot harder. I'm not sure that's the truth though. Our inner life seems to function a lot like our physical body, the less we use our muscles, the harder it is to lift (even the simplest of objects). The less we exercise psychologically, the harder it gets to just be. The more we run away from or deny difficult feelings, the less we are able to experience the good ones. And even the most basic things suddenly feel hard, like deciding what dinner to make or what pyjamas to wear. You are constantly walking up-wind. Sincere depression is a lot like being paralyzed. Lifting a finger feels like lifting a planet and even the brightest of rainbows seems to be nothing but different shades of the same overwhelmingly lifeless gray that colors everything in the world.

 

I'm not depressed. I just am. I guess I've had a good emotional base to cope with, keeping me kind of sane through these past 6 years. I'm scared, however, that this base is starting to leak. I feel like the world is getting bigger and I'm getting smaller. I'm drowning, even when I'm with the people I love. Or should love. Life is nothing when you don't feel pride, integrity and meaning. I miss feeling good about the world. I miss knowing who I am.